For Rent by Owner: The 10 Species of Landlords You'll Meet in Chicago

10) Creepus familiaris (The Creeper)

This landlord will never really come out of his cave, I mean office. He seems to not understand the concept of personal space when making awkward conversation with you. And you just hope that he doesn’t read too much into your 30 second small talk on the elevator.

Example: Remy - New Girl

9) Intensia enforsis (The Intense Enforcer)

Passive aggressive notes and emails are the calling card for this fierce species. He may demand an explanation for a barking noise he “definitely heard” coming from your unit. That’s funny, you didn’t know your goldfish learned how to bark. You reluctantly let him in, he leaves without finding the mysterious dog, but barks at you to paint that one wall back to the original dingy white.

Example: Mr Shickadance - Ace Ventura Pet Detective

8) Vainious selfishus (The Vain & Selfish)

This landlord seems to have his title confused with “Emperor of this Crappy Building,” and he's set out to conquer the rest of that Chicago neighborhood. Your complaints of leaky pipes will fall on deaf ears, as his highness can not be bothered with the dealings of peasants. How DARE you ask him to use his godly hands for putting in a work order to the engineer?!

Example: Emperor Kuzco - The Emperor's New Groove

7) Slothtridamus (The Sloth)

Work orders are filed, complaints are handled, and he even helps you out with advice on the best CTA routes. This landlord's competency brings 5 star apartment reviews! You will only really catch any grief from this landlord when you mess with the one thing he holds dear, his rest.

Once the clock strikes 10:30PM it is officially “quiet time” in the building, sometimes you feel like you’re still living at home with a curfew. Coming home from an evening out and forgot your key at the bar? You will have to go back and get it, or face the wrath of waking up this creature.

Example: Mr Yunioshi - Breakfast at Tiffany's

6) Relentless renteus (Relentless about Rent)

If she had a theme song it would be Rihanna’s B#tch Betta Have My Money - the Chicago Apartment Remix.

It’s December 1st, 7:00 AM and you have an email from your landlord “Your rent is DUE!” Even though their is a 5 day grace period before fees kick in. For the next few days you seem to bump into her around every corner. Aside from the first of the month intensity this landlord is pretty cool. In order to avoid becoming her prey, you may want to slip that rent check under her door a day early.

Example: Pearl McKay - The Landlord

5) Inebrius douchius (The Inebriated)

You know your landlord is classy AF when he wears a 3-piece suit! Between the flashy outfits, copious amounts of hair gel, and snappy rhetoric he makes being a landlord look glamorous. He uses bro-y swear word combinations you didn’t even know existed, and usually has a “gentlemanly” drink in his hand by 5:01. You give serious thought to a career change until you find out he also lives in a crappy studio and drives a used Kia.

Example: Mr. Fischoeder - Bob's Burgers

4) Oversharius (The Oversharer)

Much like Mr. Heckless from Friends within a few hours of moving in you find out that this landlord is a cat lover, waffle connoisseur, and not afraid to tell it like it is. He really does make your life feel like a sitcom. We can really appreciate his straightforward approach. However, you and the rest of your apartment people could live without the intimate details regarding his kidney stones.

Example: Mr. Heckles - Friends

3) Absentus familiaris (The Absentee Landlord)

Much like ghosts that haunt a few Chicago buildings, you need to gather a team of people and Ouija board to get in contact with him. You see him for the showing and then poof! He’s gone forever. It’s great that he’s not breathing down your neck over petty things, but you can’t seem to get a hold of him when you need him!

Example: Casper - Casper the Friendly Ghost

2) Bestia friendosa (The Best Friends)

How bomb would it be to have your best friends as your landlords. Think of the perks! Lucy and Ricky definitely enjoyed the loopholes offered by being besties with their landlords Fred and Ethel. Late rent? No problem! Your neighbors want to file a noise complaint on your party? Good luck! The landlords were in attendance!

Example: Fred and Ethel Mertz - I Love Lucy

On second thought though, things could get a little strained after that intense game of Scattergories…

1). Surrogotia grandmotherus (The Surrogate Grandmother)

She lives onsite and drops by once in awhile to check on you, bringing canned preserves she made with the strawberries from her garden window. We would all love management a little more if they showed up every now and then with baked goods. You enjoy seeing her when leaving and returning, and don’t mind chatting. She remembers your big work promotion AND gives you a pep talk for your Tinder date.

Example: Mrs. Hudson - Sherlock Holmes